I have no idea why I'm doing this...

Welp, here it goes...

I'm not sure what tempted me into the blogging world, but my life seems a bit complicated at the moment so I figured maybe getting my feelings down on "paper" could help me clear some things up. Let's see how it goes.

I guess I'll begin with my faith. I am a follower of Christ. I have known Him for fifteen years now and believe with all of my being that He exists and that He cares about me. The complication begins here. This is all I know. I know that He exists and I know that He cares, but what about all the details? I am twenty-one years old and have begun, I guess, my journey to "finding myself," for lack of a better term. I am unsure of how involved God is in my everyday life. I say this not in a negative way, as in He does not care about me so I can do what I want; but in a "How much does God dwell on our everyday decisions? Does he really involve Himself in the mundane, as I once believed, where every tiny decision is intertwined into His perfect will for my life" way. I just don't know. And I'm not sure how to find out...

On to relationships. I'm so terrible at dating. Terrible. I complicate things and hurt people. I don't know why. I don't know how. It just happens. I don't know what I want or need. I don't do things right and I change my mind a lot. I am so scared to date because I know this about myself, but how can I find the right person if I don't allow myself to become vulnerable, which I think is the real issue. I am in the middle of a fizzling relationship. We've broken up, started talking again, and now we are not speaking. It's all my fault. He cares a lot about me, I think. He was very sweet and knew all the right things to say, which scared me. I am unsure if I'm a realist or am just completely jaded by past experience, but I'm skeptical of him. On paper, he's perfect. He called me gorgeous and looked at me with "googly" eyes. He wanted to spend every minute with me and acted like he had never met someone so wonderful. But I just feel an uneasiness about it all, which maybe is a sign that it's not right, who knows. I guess I just feel like anyone who feels as strongly as he did in so little time is just telling me what I want to hear to get his way. I wish God would just call, tell me 'yes' or 'no' with each guy I meet and make dating simple. I'm just so confused...