Ramblings...

Trust in the Lord.

2011-06-18T22:46:00.002-05:00

The Lord sure wants us to learn full and total dependence on Him. My husband has yet to find a teaching position after a year and a half. We are beginning to get bitter and completely discouraged. We pray and we pray and most days, it feels as if the Lord has forgotten us. We know without doubt that that is not truth for a second, but we fall into that lie so often. It is so hard to hear of our friends and acquaintances praying for jobs, provision, whatever they need, and the Lord answering quickly. We immediately default to the thinking that maybe He loves them more or we are not "good" enough, whatever. As another job possibility fell through this week, Jesus has been reminding me gently that we are doing fine financially. We are in want for nothing. He has provided exactly what we need every minute of our marriage.
That thought really hadn't occurred to me until this week. I continually find myself frustrated that everyone else has had their prayers for jobs answered and we have not. But what have we needed that was not provided? What have we gone without? What have we sacrificed in the last year and a half?
The Lord is so sweet to stretch our paycheck. He's so sweet to have me in a secure job that pays well. He's so sweet to give Dean sub position after sub position and a community of schools that love and request him on a daily basis. Why should I be disappointed? Why should I feel he hasn't provided, just because it doesn't look like we want it to? As another week goes by, I have felt more comfort from the Lord than I have in quite some time. I know that He loves us and is providing for us completely. It probably will never look the way we want it to look, and that's ok. He is the Great Provider. I am confident in that.

I waited patiently for the Lord.
He inclined in heard my cry.
He lifted me up out of the pit, out of the myrie clay.
He set my feet upon a rock making my footesteps firm.
~Psalm 40:1-2

Beautiful and Broken

2011-02-25T22:41:00.003-06:00

Welp, it's been a LONG while...
Quick update- I'm second-year teacher, I'm married to a wonderful man named Dean, we own our first home, we have a mentally challenge kitten, and life is sweet. :)

We are currently going through a 16 week program at our church called Recovery. It is basically an examination of your heart and a study on how to turn it from ugliness and turn it to Jesus. It has been intense and beautiful. Jesus has been so sweet to gently begin breaking down a wall that has for far too long been keeping me from a lot. The first few weeks, there was homework every night that kept us in the book of Genesis mostly. It went through the creation story like I have never heard it. I could probably recite Genesis 1 for you verbatim, but I have never really noticed the grace or Jesus through the creation account. It has been so sweet to really dig deep into what God was doing in the world's first marriage and to see His grace through new lenses. He is such a gracious god and I have been reminded constantly of His love and mercy in my life.

This past week, we started what Recovery calls Inventory. It is basically a time of inward reflection of what is keeping you from Jesus. We began with Resentments and Abuse... having to write down on paper all that you resent, why, how it has affected your life, and then confess it to your sponsor. Before I began this examination of my heart, I already knew who and what I resented. I've harbored resentment about something for quite some time; years, in fact. I did not really realize how much it has affected me until a few months ago, though, and when I heard about what Recovery allows you to examine, I knew instantly that it would be good for me. Extremely hard, but good.

I have literally been friendless for about 3 years now. I have gone through the biggest changes in my life- starting my career, getting married, buying a house- with no one to share it with (female-wise. My husband has lovingly been there for me every step of the way) and it has been incredibly lonely. I have mourned the loss of friendship for longer than is probably healthy, and I'm really not sure why I cannot get through it. It has shaken me to my core, this period of alone-ness. I am more insecure than I have ever been, I push people away, and I sabotage any semblance of budding friendships that come my way. I've become obsessive with my past friendships (facebook stalker, much?) and tear open my wounds each time I obsess over their new lives without me. I fantasize about how lonely they must be without me and I dream about how chance encounters might go. I have wept and anguished over my loneliness and Dean has walked me through it so lovingly and graciously. He probably secretly thinks I'm a lunatic...

I've gone through long periods of anger with the Lord at why He will not provide me with new friendship. And if I'm being honest, I still don't know the answer. Psalm 13 has been my prayer for quite some time:
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
I let Satan trap me in the lie that I'm just not worthy of anyone's friendship. I fall for that one every time. And although I still do not have an answer to why the Lord has not answered that prayer in the way I would like Him to (a deep friendship, like, now...), Jesus through Recovery- along with my church and my small group- has taught me that even in times of pain and in times of waiting, God is still God. He is still in control and I can praise Him for that. While I pray like David at times and I feel like the Lord has abandoned me in my waiting period, I am confident in the fact that He is God. He is in control. And He is gracious and loving. And I'm ok with my waiting. It will come, and it will come in His good and perfect timing.

You want me to do what?

2008-06-24T23:46:00.004-05:00

Dean and I have begun reading this really neat compilation of "Bible studies." I've really enjoyed it these past two weeks. I am very critical when it comes to devotionals... they tend to be so cheesy, but I really love the idea of this one. The first week was an excerpt from C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity and I was reminded through the entire thing that following the Lord and obeying His will is hard... the hardest thing I will ever do. This past week was from Dallas Willard's The Spirit of Discipline and again, I was continually reminded that this is going to be so very hard.

Coming out of the year long journey of finding out what I believe, I still feel very disconnected from God. I feel like I've forgotten how to do many elementary Christian "tasks" such as praying, discerning what is from the Lord and what is not, and reading the Word. As I have begun to practice these things once again, I am constantly reminded of the many sermons I've heard throughout my life: following Jesus will make your life so happy and so easy, so do it with excitement and willingness.

I've recently discovered: that is pure crap. Our nature is to go against everything Christ calls us to. Who in the world desires to live a life of discipline? This whole time I've been under the impression that I've been doing it all wrong because I wasn't happy when the Lord chipped away all the crap in my life, because it was painful losing friends or boyfriends because it wasn't apart of God's plan for my life. I would get so discouraged because I was human and selfish and didn't want to go through times of pain or difficulty to become who Christ wanted me to be that I would give up. I would just stop seeking Him because "it shouldn't be this difficult."

Well, over the past week or so, I've been in a lot of pain. It has been one of the most difficult weeks I've experienced in a long time. I just keep being reminded that I've lost my closest friends. Losing friends is painful. But what's more painful is knowing that this loss is completely necessary. I know that it is necessary because He has made it clear to me that this loss was the only way to get my attention. I cherished them and didn't need anything else while they were so tightly woven into my life. I needed to be cut off from them to find the Lord once more. How awfully beautiful is Jesus. I am anxious to see how the Lord will change me through this time of pain and loneliness, but it is hard. Very hard.

The Lord, through prayer, time in the Word, and this study, has constantly reminded me that following Him is hard. It takes discipline, sometimes painful loss, and continual denial of myself. The beautiful part of this is that through this pain, I've felt so comforted by Him then entire time. As one painful reminder after another is thrown my way, I am continually comforted at the fact that Jesus is once again working in my life. How could I not expect pain when I took a year-long "leave of absence?" It takes time to get caught up when you miss work or school, and it's often tedious and arduous, but necessary. The same applies with Jesus. I've missed a year of His work in my life. How beautiful is He that Jesus picks up right where He left off, never looks back at my mistakes, and moves me to change. Even through my disobedience, He still answers my calls. Though I have lost close friends, I have found a beautiful friendship in Dean. Jesus has brought me so much joy, comfort, and answers through Dean and I'm so thankful. I know that he is an answered prayer and that it is so undeserved.

Sorry this is so lengthy, but it's such a nice way to clear my head. These have brought me so much comfort lately:
Psalm 40:1-3
1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

"The more we believe that God hurts only to heal, the less we can believe that there is any use in begging for tenderness." -CS Lewis

You are blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you, there is more of God and His rule. --Matthew 5:3

Changing me...

2008-06-11T01:04:00.002-05:00

This past week the Lord has really been reminding me to trust Him. He will provide, as He always does. I'm so unworthy of His provision and I continue to get swept up in that fact. I feel so inadequate and so unappreciative of His grace and I often don't accept it.

Something I read in The Confessions of St. Augustine (by the way, totally think every struggling Christian should read this beautiful book) tonight that I really needed to hear:
Oh, that I might rest on You.
Oh, that You may enter my heart and make it intoxicated, so that I might forget all woes and embrace You, my only good.
What are You to me? Take pity on me and teach me how to express it.
What am I to You that you demand my love and care enough to be angry and threaten me with grievous woes if I don't give it? It is no small woe if I do not love You.
Oh, have mercy on me and tell me, oh Lord, My God, what You are to me. Say to my soul, "I am your Salvation." Say it loudly enough that I may hear.
Behold, Lord, my heart lies exposed before You. Open the ears of that heart and say unto my soul, "I am your Salvation."
After You have spoken, allow me to quickly grasp You.
Hide not Your face from me.
Let me die, so that I will not only die.
Only let me see Your face.
(emphasis added)

I have been so incredibly overwhelmed lately. I desperately want to graduate in December. In order to accomplish that, I needed to take 18 hours this summer. Upon beginning this, I just don't know if I can do it. I am so overloaded with homework in one class that I have not had one minute to devote to an online class I'm taking. If I don't drop the online course and pray that there will be another one offered before December, I don't know that I could even pass it now. If I drop the class now, that means I will have to take two online courses along with student teaching in the fall. That's going to be Hell on earth. I really felt like graduating early was what I was supposed to do and felt confident that I could do it, but now I am scared I've made such a hasty decision.
I've also been overwhelmed socially. I've lost my two best friends. One has hurt me pretty badly and the relationship has been rocky for months. I honestly don't know if it's repairable. The other has kind of taken her side and hasn't spoken to me in about a month. I absolutely realize I am not perfect. I've made plenty of mistakes in both friendships, but I it's really lonely losing two people I cared deeply for.
I just have to trust the Lord. Daily I need the reminder that He is in control. I forget that and try to fix things myself, and it never works. He will provide. He will always provide.

2008-04-25T00:37:00.003-05:00

I don't know exactly when it happened, but I am a teacher. I have transitioned from learning all of these abstract concepts and strategies, from feeling so far from my goal of becoming an educator, from never feeling adequate, to knowing what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, and how to be successful at it. It feels good. Really good.

I graduate from college in eight months. In January, I'll be in charge of an entire classroom by myself. I will be the one implementing three and a half years of classes worth of information on how to be an effective teacher. I will have to teach, manage, control, and befriend twenty six or seven year olds every single day.

My heart cannot wait.

me, myself, and i

2008-04-07T15:48:00.005-05:00

I am a daughter, a sister, a friend.
I'll tell you I hate popcorn when asked because I think I don't like it,but really I do.
I can't fake how I feel.
I love to laugh so hard that I cry. It's my absolute favorite thing to do.
I could live solely on dessert.
I care too much what people think about me.
I love teaching young minds. There is nothing more important to me.
I'm a terrible liar.
I am very sarcastic.
I love green peas and soy beans.
I sometimes come across as snobby. Please don't judge me for that, I'm just incredibly shy.
In discussion, I wont add much to the conversation, but I love to listen. I find I learn the most that way.
Inside jokes make me so happy.
Sometimes I wish I was poor.
I've never been one to have many friends, but the friends I do have are incredible.
I desire to be a part of something bigger than myself.
I hate confrontation and if it's needed, I usually get walked all over.
I have an unhealthy and weird fear of mushrooms. They really freak me out. I know this is odd.
I have met someone special.
I'd do pretty much anything for anyone. But that doesn't make me a good person.
I am a Christ follower. It is the most difficult thing I have ever done, but so incredibly worth it.
This year has been filled with many mistakes, learning, and grace so far. It has been so refreshing.

Changes...

2008-01-29T13:45:00.000-06:00

Things need to change. I need to change.

.....I love this itch.

The Missing Piece

2008-01-22T01:24:00.000-06:00

Do you ever feel as though there is a chunk of importance missing from your life? For the past few days, I've felt like there is something absent from my being that would make my life more complete. Maybe it's God. I certainly don't include Him in enough of my life. God would be the most logical answer, at least.

I go to a small, conservative, private college. The girls at my school come to this particular institute for one purpose. To find a husband. No lie. EVERY SINGLE girl on this campus at least has that goal in the back of her mind. And I'll just say that she usually accomplishes that goal. I've counted tonight, and just off the top of my head, I know of EIGHT couples getting married this summer. EIGHT. That is sixteen of my friends, people my age, getting married. This is not including the countless other couples I know that are getting married in the fall or NEXT summer... I'm writing this because I can't help but feel like this is my something missing. I know what you're thinking, 'you're just a girl and all girls your age want to get married.' Maybe that has a bit of truth to it, but I still just can't help but feel like I'm ready. Like this is something God has prepared me for and it seems to consume my thoughts these days. I hate this feeling. HATE it. I have this "yearning" to become a wife and I think for good reasons (not just to wear a pretty dress or have a big diamond ring), and I have no prospects. I'm single. I'm no where near dating anyone, and don't see that changing any time soon. It's disheartening to have so many friends that have found their "one" to marry or are at least seriously dating someone, when I feel so far from that mark. I continue to find it hard not to get frustrated with God for 'putting' me in this position. I constantly find myself justifying these frustrations by telling myself that 'if I this wasn't a desire given to me by God, then it wouldn't consume so much of my thoughts' and other crap like that. I know that's not true, but it's nicer to think that way, I guess. I allow myself to fantasize about being married because it's fun, unhealthy, but fun. I feel foolish for writing this in such a public place. I'm sure I sound so immature...

I used to have a xanga back in the days that they were cool... It would always turn into a place to vent or complain about how "horrible" my life was. I'm disappointed in myself for allowing this to become the same, but what are you gonna do... It's not like anyone reads this, I suppose...

The Maker

2008-01-19T16:35:00.000-06:00

Oh, oh deep water, black and cold like the night
I stand with arms wide open
I've run a twisted line
I'm a stranger in the eyes of the Maker
And I could not see for the fog in my eyes
I could not feel for the fear in my life

From across the great divide
In the distance I saw the light
Of John Baptist walking to me with the Maker
My body is bent and broken by long and dangerous sleep
I can't work the fields of Abraham and turn my head away
I'm not a stranger in the hands of the Maker

Brother John, have you seen the homeless daughters
Standing there with broken wings
I have seen the flaming sword
There over east of Eden
Burning in the eyes of the Maker
Burning in the eyes of the Maker
Burning in the eyes of the Maker

Oh, river rise from your sleep
Oh, river rise from your sleep
Oh, river rise from your sleep

-Dave Matthews

I wish, I wish, I wish...

2008-01-13T14:14:00.000-06:00

A lot of this is redundant of my first post, but I wrote this on New Years eve and found it today. ..

It seems like I have spent the entire past year confused... about everything, really. For all of 2007, I've questioned God, questioned myself, my faith, my future. I have no idea what I believe anymore which makes me scared and frustrated. I used to have this intense faith in God- that He controlled everything. He had the answer for every single move I made, was making, and would make. I believed wholeheartedly that God was in complete control of my life. Who knows... maybe He still is, I don't know. Now, though, it seems like every bit of faith I used to have has disappeared completely. I don't know where God stands in my life. I don't know how involved He is and I rarely feel his presence anymore. I know he exists, I know He loves me, but that's about all I got. I also have no idea where to begin to find the answers to all my questions. It seems like when I ask God Himself, I get no reply, but who else is there to ask? In my quest to find the answers, maybe I should begin with what I do know to be true...
I believe God loves and cares about me. I believe that He has a plan for my life. I believe He hears my prayers. I am not sure if He answers them. I believe that if I would allow Him to, He would use me to better the world in some way. I believe He uses others to better me in some way. I believe Jesus is the savior of all who believe He is. I believe in the Holy Spirit. I believe He is pained when we are far from him, but does not force us to be close to Him. I believe God has a very good sense of humor. I believe you can see God in creation around us. I believe He wants me to be successful and happy and that His plans for me include success and happiness. I believe He does not care about material things, and neither should I (but I do). I believe through these rough times of doubt and questioning, He can make me stronger if I allow Him to.
This is obviously a work in progress... I wish I knew more about the God I believe in. I wish I knew, on a deeper level, what I do believe. I wish I had the discipline and the courage to seek Him out more often. I wish this was easy.

I have no idea why I'm doing this...

2007-12-19T22:34:00.000-06:00

Welp, here it goes...

I'm not sure what tempted me into the blogging world, but my life seems a bit complicated at the moment so I figured maybe getting my feelings down on "paper" could help me clear some things up. Let's see how it goes.

I guess I'll begin with my faith. I am a follower of Christ. I have known Him for fifteen years now and believe with all of my being that He exists and that He cares about me. The complication begins here. This is all I know. I know that He exists and I know that He cares, but what about all the details? I am twenty-one years old and have begun, I guess, my journey to "finding myself," for lack of a better term. I am unsure of how involved God is in my everyday life. I say this not in a negative way, as in He does not care about me so I can do what I want; but in a "How much does God dwell on our everyday decisions? Does he really involve Himself in the mundane, as I once believed, where every tiny decision is intertwined into His perfect will for my life" way. I just don't know. And I'm not sure how to find out...

On to relationships. I'm so terrible at dating. Terrible. I complicate things and hurt people. I don't know why. I don't know how. It just happens. I don't know what I want or need. I don't do things right and I change my mind a lot. I am so scared to date because I know this about myself, but how can I find the right person if I don't allow myself to become vulnerable, which I think is the real issue. I am in the middle of a fizzling relationship. We've broken up, started talking again, and now we are not speaking. It's all my fault. He cares a lot about me, I think. He was very sweet and knew all the right things to say, which scared me. I am unsure if I'm a realist or am just completely jaded by past experience, but I'm skeptical of him. On paper, he's perfect. He called me gorgeous and looked at me with "googly" eyes. He wanted to spend every minute with me and acted like he had never met someone so wonderful. But I just feel an uneasiness about it all, which maybe is a sign that it's not right, who knows. I guess I just feel like anyone who feels as strongly as he did in so little time is just telling me what I want to hear to get his way. I wish God would just call, tell me 'yes' or 'no' with each guy I meet and make dating simple. I'm just so confused...