You want me to do what?

Dean and I have begun reading this really neat compilation of "Bible studies." I've really enjoyed it these past two weeks. I am very critical when it comes to devotionals... they tend to be so cheesy, but I really love the idea of this one. The first week was an excerpt from C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity and I was reminded through the entire thing that following the Lord and obeying His will is hard... the hardest thing I will ever do. This past week was from Dallas Willard's The Spirit of Discipline and again, I was continually reminded that this is going to be so very hard.

Coming out of the year long journey of finding out what I believe, I still feel very disconnected from God. I feel like I've forgotten how to do many elementary Christian "tasks" such as praying, discerning what is from the Lord and what is not, and reading the Word. As I have begun to practice these things once again, I am constantly reminded of the many sermons I've heard throughout my life: following Jesus will make your life so happy and so easy, so do it with excitement and willingness.

I've recently discovered: that is pure crap. Our nature is to go against everything Christ calls us to. Who in the world desires to live a life of discipline? This whole time I've been under the impression that I've been doing it all wrong because I wasn't happy when the Lord chipped away all the crap in my life, because it was painful losing friends or boyfriends because it wasn't apart of God's plan for my life. I would get so discouraged because I was human and selfish and didn't want to go through times of pain or difficulty to become who Christ wanted me to be that I would give up. I would just stop seeking Him because "it shouldn't be this difficult."

Well, over the past week or so, I've been in a lot of pain. It has been one of the most difficult weeks I've experienced in a long time. I just keep being reminded that I've lost my closest friends. Losing friends is painful. But what's more painful is knowing that this loss is completely necessary. I know that it is necessary because He has made it clear to me that this loss was the only way to get my attention. I cherished them and didn't need anything else while they were so tightly woven into my life. I needed to be cut off from them to find the Lord once more. How awfully beautiful is Jesus. I am anxious to see how the Lord will change me through this time of pain and loneliness, but it is hard. Very hard.

The Lord, through prayer, time in the Word, and this study, has constantly reminded me that following Him is hard. It takes discipline, sometimes painful loss, and continual denial of myself. The beautiful part of this is that through this pain, I've felt so comforted by Him then entire time. As one painful reminder after another is thrown my way, I am continually comforted at the fact that Jesus is once again working in my life. How could I not expect pain when I took a year-long "leave of absence?" It takes time to get caught up when you miss work or school, and it's often tedious and arduous, but necessary. The same applies with Jesus. I've missed a year of His work in my life. How beautiful is He that Jesus picks up right where He left off, never looks back at my mistakes, and moves me to change. Even through my disobedience, He still answers my calls. Though I have lost close friends, I have found a beautiful friendship in Dean. Jesus has brought me so much joy, comfort, and answers through Dean and I'm so thankful. I know that he is an answered prayer and that it is so undeserved.

Sorry this is so lengthy, but it's such a nice way to clear my head. These have brought me so much comfort lately:
Psalm 40:1-3
1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

"The more we believe that God hurts only to heal, the less we can believe that there is any use in begging for tenderness." -CS Lewis

You are blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you, there is more of God and His rule. --Matthew 5:3

Changing me...

This past week the Lord has really been reminding me to trust Him. He will provide, as He always does. I'm so unworthy of His provision and I continue to get swept up in that fact. I feel so inadequate and so unappreciative of His grace and I often don't accept it.

Something I read in The Confessions of St. Augustine (by the way, totally think every struggling Christian should read this beautiful book) tonight that I really needed to hear:
Oh, that I might rest on You.
Oh, that You may enter my heart and make it intoxicated, so that I might forget all woes and embrace You, my only good.
What are You to me? Take pity on me and teach me how to express it.
What am I to You that you demand my love and care enough to be angry and threaten me with grievous woes if I don't give it? It is no small woe if I do not love You.
Oh, have mercy on me and tell me, oh Lord, My God, what You are to me. Say to my soul, "I am your Salvation." Say it loudly enough that I may hear.
Behold, Lord, my heart lies exposed before You. Open the ears of that heart and say unto my soul, "I am your Salvation."
After You have spoken, allow me to quickly grasp You.
Hide not Your face from me.
Let me die, so that I will not only die.
Only let me see Your face.
(emphasis added)

I have been so incredibly overwhelmed lately. I desperately want to graduate in December. In order to accomplish that, I needed to take 18 hours this summer. Upon beginning this, I just don't know if I can do it. I am so overloaded with homework in one class that I have not had one minute to devote to an online class I'm taking. If I don't drop the online course and pray that there will be another one offered before December, I don't know that I could even pass it now. If I drop the class now, that means I will have to take two online courses along with student teaching in the fall. That's going to be Hell on earth. I really felt like graduating early was what I was supposed to do and felt confident that I could do it, but now I am scared I've made such a hasty decision.
I've also been overwhelmed socially. I've lost my two best friends. One has hurt me pretty badly and the relationship has been rocky for months. I honestly don't know if it's repairable. The other has kind of taken her side and hasn't spoken to me in about a month. I absolutely realize I am not perfect. I've made plenty of mistakes in both friendships, but I it's really lonely losing two people I cared deeply for.
I just have to trust the Lord. Daily I need the reminder that He is in control. I forget that and try to fix things myself, and it never works. He will provide. He will always provide.