Beautiful and Broken

Welp, it's been a LONG while...
Quick update- I'm second-year teacher, I'm married to a wonderful man named Dean, we own our first home, we have a mentally challenge kitten, and life is sweet. :)

We are currently going through a 16 week program at our church called Recovery. It is basically an examination of your heart and a study on how to turn it from ugliness and turn it to Jesus. It has been intense and beautiful. Jesus has been so sweet to gently begin breaking down a wall that has for far too long been keeping me from a lot. The first few weeks, there was homework every night that kept us in the book of Genesis mostly. It went through the creation story like I have never heard it. I could probably recite Genesis 1 for you verbatim, but I have never really noticed the grace or Jesus through the creation account. It has been so sweet to really dig deep into what God was doing in the world's first marriage and to see His grace through new lenses. He is such a gracious god and I have been reminded constantly of His love and mercy in my life.

This past week, we started what Recovery calls Inventory. It is basically a time of inward reflection of what is keeping you from Jesus. We began with Resentments and Abuse... having to write down on paper all that you resent, why, how it has affected your life, and then confess it to your sponsor. Before I began this examination of my heart, I already knew who and what I resented. I've harbored resentment about something for quite some time; years, in fact. I did not really realize how much it has affected me until a few months ago, though, and when I heard about what Recovery allows you to examine, I knew instantly that it would be good for me. Extremely hard, but good.

I have literally been friendless for about 3 years now. I have gone through the biggest changes in my life- starting my career, getting married, buying a house- with no one to share it with (female-wise. My husband has lovingly been there for me every step of the way) and it has been incredibly lonely. I have mourned the loss of friendship for longer than is probably healthy, and I'm really not sure why I cannot get through it. It has shaken me to my core, this period of alone-ness. I am more insecure than I have ever been, I push people away, and I sabotage any semblance of budding friendships that come my way. I've become obsessive with my past friendships (facebook stalker, much?) and tear open my wounds each time I obsess over their new lives without me. I fantasize about how lonely they must be without me and I dream about how chance encounters might go. I have wept and anguished over my loneliness and Dean has walked me through it so lovingly and graciously. He probably secretly thinks I'm a lunatic...

I've gone through long periods of anger with the Lord at why He will not provide me with new friendship. And if I'm being honest, I still don't know the answer. Psalm 13 has been my prayer for quite some time:
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
I let Satan trap me in the lie that I'm just not worthy of anyone's friendship. I fall for that one every time. And although I still do not have an answer to why the Lord has not answered that prayer in the way I would like Him to (a deep friendship, like, now...), Jesus through Recovery- along with my church and my small group- has taught me that even in times of pain and in times of waiting, God is still God. He is still in control and I can praise Him for that. While I pray like David at times and I feel like the Lord has abandoned me in my waiting period, I am confident in the fact that He is God. He is in control. And He is gracious and loving. And I'm ok with my waiting. It will come, and it will come in His good and perfect timing.