Changes...

Things need to change. I need to change.









.....I love this itch.

The Missing Piece

Do you ever feel as though there is a chunk of importance missing from your life? For the past few days, I've felt like there is something absent from my being that would make my life more complete. Maybe it's God. I certainly don't include Him in enough of my life. God would be the most logical answer, at least.

I go to a small, conservative, private college. The girls at my school come to this particular institute for one purpose. To find a husband. No lie. EVERY SINGLE girl on this campus at least has that goal in the back of her mind. And I'll just say that she usually accomplishes that goal. I've counted tonight, and just off the top of my head, I know of EIGHT couples getting married this summer. EIGHT. That is sixteen of my friends, people my age, getting married. This is not including the countless other couples I know that are getting married in the fall or NEXT summer... I'm writing this because I can't help but feel like this is my something missing. I know what you're thinking, 'you're just a girl and all girls your age want to get married.' Maybe that has a bit of truth to it, but I still just can't help but feel like I'm ready. Like this is something God has prepared me for and it seems to consume my thoughts these days. I hate this feeling. HATE it. I have this "yearning" to become a wife and I think for good reasons (not just to wear a pretty dress or have a big diamond ring), and I have no prospects. I'm single. I'm no where near dating anyone, and don't see that changing any time soon. It's disheartening to have so many friends that have found their "one" to marry or are at least seriously dating someone, when I feel so far from that mark. I continue to find it hard not to get frustrated with God for 'putting' me in this position. I constantly find myself justifying these frustrations by telling myself that 'if I this wasn't a desire given to me by God, then it wouldn't consume so much of my thoughts' and other crap like that. I know that's not true, but it's nicer to think that way, I guess. I allow myself to fantasize about being married because it's fun, unhealthy, but fun. I feel foolish for writing this in such a public place. I'm sure I sound so immature...

I used to have a xanga back in the days that they were cool... It would always turn into a place to vent or complain about how "horrible" my life was. I'm disappointed in myself for allowing this to become the same, but what are you gonna do... It's not like anyone reads this, I suppose...

The Maker

Oh, oh deep water, black and cold like the night
I stand with arms wide open
I've run a twisted line
I'm a stranger in the eyes of the Maker
And I could not see for the fog in my eyes
I could not feel for the fear in my life

From across the great divide
In the distance I saw the light
Of John Baptist walking to me with the Maker
My body is bent and broken by long and dangerous sleep
I can't work the fields of Abraham and turn my head away
I'm not a stranger in the hands of the Maker

Brother John, have you seen the homeless daughters
Standing there with broken wings
I have seen the flaming sword
There over east of Eden
Burning in the eyes of the Maker
Burning in the eyes of the Maker
Burning in the eyes of the Maker

Oh, river rise from your sleep
Oh, river rise from your sleep
Oh, river rise from your sleep

-Dave Matthews

I wish, I wish, I wish...

A lot of this is redundant of my first post, but I wrote this on New Years eve and found it today. ..

It seems like I have spent the entire past year confused... about everything, really. For all of 2007, I've questioned God, questioned myself, my faith, my future. I have no idea what I believe anymore which makes me scared and frustrated. I used to have this intense faith in God- that He controlled everything. He had the answer for every single move I made, was making, and would make. I believed wholeheartedly that God was in complete control of my life. Who knows... maybe He still is, I don't know. Now, though, it seems like every bit of faith I used to have has disappeared completely. I don't know where God stands in my life. I don't know how involved He is and I rarely feel his presence anymore. I know he exists, I know He loves me, but that's about all I got. I also have no idea where to begin to find the answers to all my questions. It seems like when I ask God Himself, I get no reply, but who else is there to ask? In my quest to find the answers, maybe I should begin with what I do know to be true...
I believe God loves and cares about me. I believe that He has a plan for my life. I believe He hears my prayers. I am not sure if He answers them. I believe that if I would allow Him to, He would use me to better the world in some way. I believe He uses others to better me in some way. I believe Jesus is the savior of all who believe He is. I believe in the Holy Spirit. I believe He is pained when we are far from him, but does not force us to be close to Him. I believe God has a very good sense of humor. I believe you can see God in creation around us. I believe He wants me to be successful and happy and that His plans for me include success and happiness. I believe He does not care about material things, and neither should I (but I do). I believe through these rough times of doubt and questioning, He can make me stronger if I allow Him to.
This is obviously a work in progress... I wish I knew more about the God I believe in. I wish I knew, on a deeper level, what I do believe. I wish I had the discipline and the courage to seek Him out more often. I wish this was easy.