Do you ever feel as though there is a chunk of importance missing from your life? For the past few days, I've felt like there is something absent from my being that would make my life more complete. Maybe it's God. I certainly don't include Him in enough of my life. God would be the most logical answer, at least.
I go to a small, conservative, private college. The girls at my school come to this particular institute for one purpose. To find a husband. No lie. EVERY SINGLE girl on this campus at least has that goal in the back of her mind. And I'll just say that she usually accomplishes that goal. I've counted tonight, and just off the top of my head, I know of EIGHT couples getting married this summer. EIGHT. That is sixteen of my friends, people my age, getting married. This is not including the countless other couples I know that are getting married in the fall or NEXT summer... I'm writing this because I can't help but feel like this is my something missing. I know what you're thinking, 'you're just a girl and all girls your age want to get married.' Maybe that has a bit of truth to it, but I still just can't help but feel like I'm ready. Like this is something God has prepared me for and it seems to consume my thoughts these days. I hate this feeling. HATE it. I have this "yearning" to become a wife and I think for good reasons (not just to wear a pretty dress or have a big diamond ring), and I have no prospects. I'm single. I'm no where near dating anyone, and don't see that changing any time soon. It's disheartening to have so many friends that have found their "one" to marry or are at least seriously dating someone, when I feel so far from that mark. I continue to find it hard not to get frustrated with God for 'putting' me in this position. I constantly find myself justifying these frustrations by telling myself that 'if I this wasn't a desire given to me by God, then it wouldn't consume so much of my thoughts' and other crap like that. I know that's not true, but it's nicer to think that way, I guess. I allow myself to fantasize about being married because it's fun, unhealthy, but fun. I feel foolish for writing this in such a public place. I'm sure I sound so immature...
I used to have a xanga back in the days that they were cool... It would always turn into a place to vent or complain about how "horrible" my life was. I'm disappointed in myself for allowing this to become the same, but what are you gonna do... It's not like anyone reads this, I suppose...
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2 comments:
Hello Jenn, thanks for sharing!
I understand something of what you're going through. All of my friends are entering into relationships, getting engaged, married and the whole nine yards. I feel very left out of the "Relationship Club" sometimes. I still haven't figured out whether that feeling of something missing is supposed to be there until you find someone to "complete" you, or whether it's neccessary to be a more fulfilled person before entering a relationship.
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