The Maker

Oh, oh deep water, black and cold like the night
I stand with arms wide open
I've run a twisted line
I'm a stranger in the eyes of the Maker
And I could not see for the fog in my eyes
I could not feel for the fear in my life

From across the great divide
In the distance I saw the light
Of John Baptist walking to me with the Maker
My body is bent and broken by long and dangerous sleep
I can't work the fields of Abraham and turn my head away
I'm not a stranger in the hands of the Maker

Brother John, have you seen the homeless daughters
Standing there with broken wings
I have seen the flaming sword
There over east of Eden
Burning in the eyes of the Maker
Burning in the eyes of the Maker
Burning in the eyes of the Maker

Oh, river rise from your sleep
Oh, river rise from your sleep
Oh, river rise from your sleep

-Dave Matthews

I wish, I wish, I wish...

A lot of this is redundant of my first post, but I wrote this on New Years eve and found it today. ..

It seems like I have spent the entire past year confused... about everything, really. For all of 2007, I've questioned God, questioned myself, my faith, my future. I have no idea what I believe anymore which makes me scared and frustrated. I used to have this intense faith in God- that He controlled everything. He had the answer for every single move I made, was making, and would make. I believed wholeheartedly that God was in complete control of my life. Who knows... maybe He still is, I don't know. Now, though, it seems like every bit of faith I used to have has disappeared completely. I don't know where God stands in my life. I don't know how involved He is and I rarely feel his presence anymore. I know he exists, I know He loves me, but that's about all I got. I also have no idea where to begin to find the answers to all my questions. It seems like when I ask God Himself, I get no reply, but who else is there to ask? In my quest to find the answers, maybe I should begin with what I do know to be true...
I believe God loves and cares about me. I believe that He has a plan for my life. I believe He hears my prayers. I am not sure if He answers them. I believe that if I would allow Him to, He would use me to better the world in some way. I believe He uses others to better me in some way. I believe Jesus is the savior of all who believe He is. I believe in the Holy Spirit. I believe He is pained when we are far from him, but does not force us to be close to Him. I believe God has a very good sense of humor. I believe you can see God in creation around us. I believe He wants me to be successful and happy and that His plans for me include success and happiness. I believe He does not care about material things, and neither should I (but I do). I believe through these rough times of doubt and questioning, He can make me stronger if I allow Him to.
This is obviously a work in progress... I wish I knew more about the God I believe in. I wish I knew, on a deeper level, what I do believe. I wish I had the discipline and the courage to seek Him out more often. I wish this was easy.

I have no idea why I'm doing this...

Welp, here it goes...

I'm not sure what tempted me into the blogging world, but my life seems a bit complicated at the moment so I figured maybe getting my feelings down on "paper" could help me clear some things up. Let's see how it goes.

I guess I'll begin with my faith. I am a follower of Christ. I have known Him for fifteen years now and believe with all of my being that He exists and that He cares about me. The complication begins here. This is all I know. I know that He exists and I know that He cares, but what about all the details? I am twenty-one years old and have begun, I guess, my journey to "finding myself," for lack of a better term. I am unsure of how involved God is in my everyday life. I say this not in a negative way, as in He does not care about me so I can do what I want; but in a "How much does God dwell on our everyday decisions? Does he really involve Himself in the mundane, as I once believed, where every tiny decision is intertwined into His perfect will for my life" way. I just don't know. And I'm not sure how to find out...

On to relationships. I'm so terrible at dating. Terrible. I complicate things and hurt people. I don't know why. I don't know how. It just happens. I don't know what I want or need. I don't do things right and I change my mind a lot. I am so scared to date because I know this about myself, but how can I find the right person if I don't allow myself to become vulnerable, which I think is the real issue. I am in the middle of a fizzling relationship. We've broken up, started talking again, and now we are not speaking. It's all my fault. He cares a lot about me, I think. He was very sweet and knew all the right things to say, which scared me. I am unsure if I'm a realist or am just completely jaded by past experience, but I'm skeptical of him. On paper, he's perfect. He called me gorgeous and looked at me with "googly" eyes. He wanted to spend every minute with me and acted like he had never met someone so wonderful. But I just feel an uneasiness about it all, which maybe is a sign that it's not right, who knows. I guess I just feel like anyone who feels as strongly as he did in so little time is just telling me what I want to hear to get his way. I wish God would just call, tell me 'yes' or 'no' with each guy I meet and make dating simple. I'm just so confused...