I wish, I wish, I wish...

A lot of this is redundant of my first post, but I wrote this on New Years eve and found it today. ..

It seems like I have spent the entire past year confused... about everything, really. For all of 2007, I've questioned God, questioned myself, my faith, my future. I have no idea what I believe anymore which makes me scared and frustrated. I used to have this intense faith in God- that He controlled everything. He had the answer for every single move I made, was making, and would make. I believed wholeheartedly that God was in complete control of my life. Who knows... maybe He still is, I don't know. Now, though, it seems like every bit of faith I used to have has disappeared completely. I don't know where God stands in my life. I don't know how involved He is and I rarely feel his presence anymore. I know he exists, I know He loves me, but that's about all I got. I also have no idea where to begin to find the answers to all my questions. It seems like when I ask God Himself, I get no reply, but who else is there to ask? In my quest to find the answers, maybe I should begin with what I do know to be true...
I believe God loves and cares about me. I believe that He has a plan for my life. I believe He hears my prayers. I am not sure if He answers them. I believe that if I would allow Him to, He would use me to better the world in some way. I believe He uses others to better me in some way. I believe Jesus is the savior of all who believe He is. I believe in the Holy Spirit. I believe He is pained when we are far from him, but does not force us to be close to Him. I believe God has a very good sense of humor. I believe you can see God in creation around us. I believe He wants me to be successful and happy and that His plans for me include success and happiness. I believe He does not care about material things, and neither should I (but I do). I believe through these rough times of doubt and questioning, He can make me stronger if I allow Him to.
This is obviously a work in progress... I wish I knew more about the God I believe in. I wish I knew, on a deeper level, what I do believe. I wish I had the discipline and the courage to seek Him out more often. I wish this was easy.